Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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