if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
