WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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