yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
