i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
