is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
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It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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