Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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