P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
