I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
