Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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