my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
