I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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