Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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