Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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