Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
