I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
