Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
