I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
