I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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