Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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