the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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