dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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