I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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