you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
