The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
