Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
