omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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