I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im six kinds of drunk right now
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
