before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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