I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
