I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
