I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
