you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
