rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
