that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
