you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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