Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
