Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
