No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
