Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
