I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
40s are totally the cure
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
