Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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