lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
