this boner is exhausting
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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