Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
