Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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