I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
