We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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