I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i black out too much to be "responsible"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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