Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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