Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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