i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
