yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
whose parrot is this?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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