Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
