this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
