A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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