You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
