I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You ruined the universe
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